The Disconnect
by Signofpeace
Summary: Spencer and Ashley are broken up. Can they meet somewhere in the middle?
1. Insomnia

**The Disconnect**

**By Signofpeace**

**Summary: **Everything has happened right up until the beginning of season three. Ashley and Spencer are not together and maybe never will be.

**Note: **Please review. I don't feel I should continue to post what I have written if it is not good. Thanks.

The loss of my dad was nothing compared to this. My father died when I had the warm comfort of her embrace. Now all I have are the images of her and that slut embedded in my brain.

I am aware this is my own making. I was the one that was distant and seemingly uncaring but so many times in the past she was able to see past my façade.

Maybe that's what it was that ended it. She got tired of needing that little bit extra for me. Maybe this other girl, Carmen, is everything I wasn't. Maybe she caresses her face softly in her weakest moments and pledges her devotion.

I glace over at Aiden and know that he isn't helping the situation I've found myself in. My only excuse for finding comfort in him is the fact that I must hide the truth from myself.

What is the truth? That she's the one. She's the beginning and the end of me, the best and worst of me. With her I am real, whole and complete.

I walk out of the bedroom I've recently begun to share with Aiden and pad through the loft looking for my sister.

Sister. Such a foreign word to me only a year ago. Now she's become the rock that keeps me tethered to this Earth since I lost her. Damn, I can't even say her name in my head.

I stare out the window at the strip and realize how late it must be. I've become accustomed to falling asleep with her in my ear that now it seems I'm an insomniac without her breathy responses.

I find Kyla sitting in her room listening to her IPOD, headphones in her ears and her legs tucked under her. She looks so peaceful and Zen-like that I feel guilty disturbing her, but only momentarily. I am mostly self-centered after all.

I tap Kyla on the shoulder and wait for her eyes to focus on my face. "Hey Ashley, what's up?" Kyla's eyebrows draw together in concern and once again I see what drew Aiden to her. We're a lot alike, she and I, and somewhere in the near future I intend to make sure she's happy. I file that mission away for later reference and return my thoughts to the reason I entered her sanctuary in the first place.

"So, Kyla, you and … Spence … you're friends right?"

I see Kyla's eyes close up and I prepare for the battle that's about to begin. I can almost guess what she's thinking and deep down I'm glad that someone is still looking out for her while I'm out of commission.

"No way, Ash. I will not help you break Spencer's heart again. She actually found somebody that …" Kyla let her sentence trail off and lowered her eyes to her blue pinstripe bedspread.

"What Kyla? Love her? You think I don't love her?" The words sound empty even to me. They feel foreign and in that instance I understand. I never said those words enough to her. I should have made myself hoarse making her understand how much she meant to me. Now all I have are regrets and wishes.

"Ash, I can't get into this with you again. I love you, you're my sister. But she's my friend. I can't add to her hurt."

I stood in her room and held my arms by the elbows trying to shield myself from the verbal barrage that had recently become customary between us since I lost her. God, it seemed like everything in my life right now centered around that one moment, that blip in time where I had reunited with her and lost her all in the span of minutes.

I lowered my head slightly and began to gather my thoughts. I knew convincing her was going to be difficult. I knew I was going to need to make a choice, I just didn't believe it would be so soon.

I knew Kyla was watching me intently because I could feel her gaze piercing me where my head was lowered. Okay. Here we go. With that decision made I raised my head and returned to defiance to my eyes. I know she saw the change because she shrank back into herself ever so slightly. I let a smirk creep into the corners of my mouth and moved to sit next to her on the bed.

Kyla reached up and removed the headphones from her ears. I guess she could tell this was going to be a long one.

I took a deep breath and collected my thoughts. This was turning out to be a lot harder than I anticipated it to be and I briefly toyed with the idea of just returning to Aiden's arms but then _her _hands tangled in Carmen's long black tresses flashed into my mind's eye and I knew that it wasn't really a choice. It was more of a need, a longing.

I shook myself out of my internal reverie and turned my attention back to my half sister who seemed to be wearing a similar smirk on her face.

"So, when did you decide?" I was momentarily startled when Kyla broke the silence but I quickly recovered. I always recover, after all.

"Decide what?"

"Oh, don't pretend with me Ash. Everyone else may think you don't care, even Spencer, but I see the look in your eyes when you know it's her on the phone. Or when you know she's going to be the same place you are. It's the same look I have when …"

"You think of Aiden?" I knew I shouldn't have said it because she got this really depressed kind of look on her face. It was the same look I wore whenever I looked in the mirror and dared to whisper her name.

"Damn, I'm sorry Kyla. You know I'm insensitive." Kyla nods her head and inches slowly away from me. I reach out and grab her hand in a comforting gesture. I've lost too many people to my aloofness; I don't intend to lose any more.

"I'm not here to stir things up Kyla. I saw her with Carmen today and, I don't know, I can't not want her anymore. It just … hurts too much without her."

"I'm not the one you need to tell this stuff to Ash. You need to tell Spencer."

"Yeah, that's where you come in." Kyla raised her eyebrows in question and I chuckle loudly.

"Listen, you're the romantic. I'm the big goof that loses the only stable and real thing in my life." Kyla nods her head yes and I roughly hit her on the shoulder for daring to agree with me.

"Ashley, I'm not going to help you win Spencer back. I just … can't."

Okay, so she's my sister. Sisters are supposed to help each other out right. Why the hell isn't she going to help me? I deserve to be happy, don't I?

Then it dawns on me why Spencer moved on so quickly. It's almost like until this very moment I haven't understood what I've been doing to Spencer every time she inadvertently runs into me. I'm an insensitive jerk that can't see past my own libido to offer comfort to the one person that needs it the most.

First I run off to Paris because I don't know how to deal with Spencer's grief and now I run around with Aiden on my arm telling the whole world that Spencer was just some teenage experiment gone wrong.

"God, I'm an idiot. I pushed her right into the arms of that new girl tramp, didn't I?"

"Listen Ash, I really don't think we should be having this conversation. I think the person you need to talk to is Spencer."

I nod my head in agreement and walk to the threshold of her bedroom before she calls out to me.

"Where are you going?"

"To see Spencer."

"At three in the morning?"

I shrug my shoulders and continue on my current path. I know there's a determination on my face that hasn't been there for a while and if I'm honest with myself the last time I had it was when I knew I loved Spencer and set out to show her. I reminisce in the memories of our first time together as I get in my car and set out for the only person I've ever considered home.


	2. Late Night Embrace

**The Disconnect**

**By Signofpeace**

**Summary: **Everything has happened right up until the beginning of season three. Ashley and Spencer are not together and maybe never will be.

**Note: **Please review. I don't feel I should continue to post what I have written if it is not good. Thanks.

Ch. 2 **Late Night Embrace**

I stand three feet away from her and it feels as if mountains separate us. I know I've pulled away from her, again, and I know she deserves better than that but I just feel so … damaged right now.

I look in her eyes and think of how much she reminds me of Ashley and promptly mentally berate myself for comparing this emotionally whole person to my unfeeling ex-girlfriend.

I feel a soft, warm hand on my shoulder and realize she's asking for permission to share my thoughts. I nod my head and she gently laces her fingers in between mine.

"You know, you really shouldn't think sad thoughts. It mars your beautiful face." Her hand reaches up to caress my cheek and I'm drawn into the warmth of her touch and the sexy lilt of her voice.

Once upon a time I thought Ashley was the only woman I would have affection for but Carmen has quickly implanted herself in my life and tried to become the stable rock I need after so narrowly escaping Hurricane Ashley, as Chelsea so fondly refers to her.

"I try Carm. I am really trying to be here … with you."

Carmen shakes her head and smiles down at me. "I don't want you to try hon. I want you to be. Just be Spencer, whoever that is. If today it's sad Spencer, I'll take her. I just need you to be here with me."

I nod my head and lean into her touch. She lowers her lips to mine and I am engulfed once again by the taste that is so uniquely Carmen. She smells of cinnamon and gardenias and I am lost in her embrace until I hear a throat clear behind me.

I take a moment to clear my mind of its lust-filled fog and look in the direction of the noise with a look of annoyance on my face.

I know the annoyance quickly turns to shock and then embarrassment because Carmen quickly turns around to find the source of my discomfort.

Ashley is standing not ten feet in front of me, nervously shuffling back and forth with her arms crossed in a defensive pose. Carmen lightly squeezes my elbow and brushes past Ashley, but not before leaning down and whispering in Ashley's ear.

I see her face turn from nervous to angry in seconds and I know that if Carmen wasn't headed straight for the door Ashley would be releasing her anger in the only way she knows how. By hurting me.

I hear the studio door click behind Carmen and look into Ashley's eyes. I feel myself begin to get lost in the familiarity and have to center myself to the real world the only way I know how. I think of my dead brother Clay.

Ashley must sense the change in me as the grief starts to take over because she takes two hesitant steps towards me until I compose myself and glare in her direction.

"What do you want?" I know my tone is dripping with venom but I just don't have it in me to be friendly right now. Not after finding out she and Aiden really do share a bed together while she sits on the phone most nights professing her love to me.

"I needed to see you." I raise my eyebrow in disbelief and she holds up her hand to stop my rebuttal. "Hear me out, please? I know it's a bad time, being three in the morning and all, but if I don't say this I feel like my chances of being able to are decreasing every day."

When Ashley stopped her tirade I replayed most of her speech and realized this was one of two Ashley's – the remorseful Ashley so she could get her way or the selfish Ashley because she felt bad and needed someone to feel worse.

"Ash –"

"Spencer, I know what you're thinking. I'm being selfish and trying to get my way. Most of it, okay all of that is true. There's also something I need to say and if what I just witnessed a few minutes ago was any indication, I'm running out of time."

Ashley won't just let me go, ever, I don't think. It's almost as if she gets joy out of the fact that I love her so much I can't let her go.

I know that's not the truth, deep in my heart. If I told Ashley that every time I saw her was like reopening a healed wound I know she'd go away. So why haven't I done it?

Is it just the memories that I'm holding onto or is it the fact that I know there's a living, breathing, feeling person behind the mask she wears for the world.

I briefly flash back to the one time I remember her being completely vulnerable with me and wonder if we can ever return to that place again. I shake my head no and return my attention to Ashley.

"Just hear me out Spence. Then you can kick me out and I'll leave you alone until you decide you want to be friends again."

I nod my head for her to continue and sit on the sole barstool in the middle of Chelsea's studio.

Ashley steps a few feet closer to me and I see her wrestling with herself about something. She finally comes to a decision and takes the last few steps to me to grab my hand. I embrace the contact not only because it's easier than fighting but also because I crave it and it has felt like an eternity since I felt her touch.

"Okay, so this past month without you I've come to some realizations. First, I am an idiot for not telling you everyday how special and beautiful you are and how much I love you. Second, I'm insensitive. I couldn't' handle your grief and I ran. I ran and I avoided and all it did was add to your problems when I should have been the one comforting you. I'm sorry and I want you to understand that life is shit without you. When I'm with you I'm whole. Without you I just feel like a shitty selfish person. Do you understand what I'm saying Spence?"


	3. Consolation Prizes

**Note: **Please review. Let me know which way you want the story to go. You may not like the matchings now … but you might. My story may incorporate some of your ideas.

Ch. 3 **Consolation Prizes**

I stood in nervous silence waiting for a response. I just needed something, any little thing to tell me she heard my heartfelt confession.

As I stared at her blond locks pointed to the ground I realized this could be a huge mistake. Not for me. I felt every thing I confessed to her. No, this could be bad for Spencer. Was I being so self-centered that I was immobilizing her? If I really looked deep within myself could I really say I was the best thing that ever happened to Spencer?

I knew the answer to that just as easily as I knew how much I had fucked up. I was by far the worst thing to ever happen to Spencer and I was stopping her from being truly happy and whole.

I also knew I didn't care. If it took the rest of my life I was going to become, if only partially, the person Spencer thought I was.

What I crave and miss so much is not being with Spencer, but the person I am with her. When I'm within Spencer's orbit I become a better person. I'm a little less shallow and a lot less selfish. I actually care how someone else feels, if only for a while. I crave the way she used to look at me. Now all I see a resigned sadness and something else I can't quite place behind her eyes.

Spencer clears her throat and I realize we've been lost in the silence for an undetermined amount of time. For all I know I've always been lost in the silence.

I hesitantly glance towards Spencer and realize I don't see the shame and disgust I had expected in her eyes. I toy with the idea that maybe I see hope but I consciously know that I'm just trying to assuage my own guilt so I don't drown in my grief.

"I understand Ash. I really do. It's a little bit too late. I have nothing left over anymore. You take and take and take. You take from everyone, but you've taken the most out of me. You've used me all up."

I swallow back the tears that threaten to sting my eyes and step closer. I know she's right. I know I'm a leech that just keeps taking as long as there's something to give but I'm addicted to Spencer. I'm ashamed it took two deaths and two months of silence to figure out. I wish I were a stronger person without her. And yet the words coming out of my mouth aren't about devotion but about possession and I don't know how to go back to a time when I'm not needy selfish Ashley.

"I need you Spence. I feel like I'm drowning without you. You're my life preserver and I don't know what to do to make you understand."

And then I see it. She isn't mine anymore. Her blue eyes are guarded and cloudy. The beautiful blue eyes that I used to look into and just know who I was to her. Maybe the problem isn't me but her vision of me. How can I possibly live up to the person she thinks I am? And then so definitively I know I can't and I do the one thing I know. The one thing that always give me comfort. I try to hurt her back.

I see Spencer ready to respond and I cut her off before she even begins. "You know what Spence. I'm better off. I can never be the person you think I am. You've got me on this pedestal that's so high I can't even step down off of it. And I'm not even going to try."

And then I do it. I turn my back on her, again, and leave Chelsea's loft in much the same way I entered it. I know I've messed up. I know I've hurt her. I saw it in her eyes. I just can't seem to get out of my own way when it comes to her. And so my destination now becomes the consolation prize. Aiden will be there because he loves me and I exploit it because I need to feel something other than grief, loss and hopelessness.


	4. Moving On

**Note: **Your reviews let me know if I'm heading down the right path or not. Thank you for all your comments and don't be afraid to let me know what you think.

Ch. 4 **Moving On**

It's only been twenty-four hours since my confrontation with Ashley but it feels like an eternity. Her words are still seeping into me, further hardening my heart against anyone who dares to touch it.

I know I'm changing. I've gone through so many changes the past two years and up until Ashley returned from Paris I was proud of every one of them. Now I wonder if she was really right. Maybe I did expect too much out of her.

I feel warm fingers intertwine with my own and I look up to see her looking at me. She's studying me in that intense way she has, like she's memorizing every moment because she might not get the chance again.

She gently cups my cheek and I know she senses I'm thinking of Ashley. I'm cheating her, I know I am. I'm not whole anymore and she deserves bitter than that. Carmen deserves so much better than me in my shattered state.

"You're so sad Spencer. You make me want to chase away all your demons and make you feel safe."

I grin solemnly and wrap myself in her comfort. I'm being selfish. I'm grieving in her embrace and it's not fair but I so crave comfort. Every one of my friends stares at me accusingly because I've dared to defy Ashley, but not her. Not Carmen. In her eyes I see the person I crave to be. In her eyes I'm still wounded but maybe just a little bit stronger and a little less dependent.

I reach up and brush her bangs out of her eyes and just like that we've moved to something lighter. Carmen grabs my hand and leads me to our pre-planned night on the town. I am almost looking forward to the comfort of Club Gray. Within those walls I know who I am. I can embrace all my experiences there and be the person I truly want to be.

Carmen grabs us a table near the corner of the room and nods to the bar indicating she's going to get us drinks.

I watch her walk away with her confident, cocky swagger and I instantly know she's going to be my unraveling. Given time she's going to break down my defenses and break my heart. The cocky, confident brunettes are my greatest fantasy and my worst enemy.

I scan the club and see Ashley attached to Aiden on the dance floor. I can't really pinpoint why but I'm jealous of Aiden. Actually, if I think about it I always have been. The easy way Ashley opens up to him and folds into him like an old familiar blanket. I used to crave that kind of closeness with Ash. I would have settled for a fraction of that comfort.

I observed that same ease tonight. Ashley calmly succumbed to his embrace and I felt a small tinge of sadness pull at me. And then there she was again, grabbing my hand and leading me to the dance floor. She leaned in impossibly close and caressed my arms gently, easing the Ashley and Aiden tension with just one breathy reassurance in my ear that it would be okay.

That's the moment I did it. I chose to be over Ashley and explore Carmen. Carmen whose soft words and gentle caresses were slowly healing the ache that Ashley so carelessly left within me.


	5. Blood Bath

**Note: **I'm still not sure if this story is good enough to continue but I'll give regular updates as long as you guys keep responding to it. Please, let me know if I'm on the right track and thanks to everyone who's already sent comments.

Ch. 5 **Blood Bath**

Aiden is grinding himself on me again and out of the corner of my eye I see the two of them glide onto the dance floor. For a moment my breath hitches and my heart constricts because I see how easy they fit together. Spencer's light to Carmen's dark, and then I'm pulled into memories of how easily she and I fit.

Carmen rubs her hand down Spencer's arms and I feel the anger well up inside me. I have no right to feel this way; I have no claim on Spencer anymore. I forfeited that right the minute I chose Aiden's bed over hers.

Aiden's strong arms wrap around my waist as I continue to watch Spencer and Carmen together. I longed for the comfort that Spencer seemed to take from Carmen's embrace. There were whispered words in each other's ears and more than anything I wanted to know what was said to make her smile so brightly.

Did I ever make her smile like that? I don't remember. Lately all I can see is the moments where we hurt each other so much, and if I'm being really honest, I really only see the moments I hurt _her._

"Are you even with me tonight?" I shook myself of my Spencer musings and looked into Aiden's searching eyes. I know what he's looking for. I know what he needs. I can't give it to him. It doesn't belong to me.

Aiden must see something in my eyes because he turns around and sees Spencer lost in Carmen's arms and his expression shifts. I've seen it before. I know what's coming.

"Ashley, what are we? You're not even 50 here tonight, are you?"

I try to control it, I honestly do, but sometimes he pisses me off. Maybe it's the hangdog expression he walks around with all the time or those love struck puppy dog eyes always pointed in my direction. Spencer wouldn't have put up with half the stuff he has. She would never be second choice. And in that moment I know that after this is over he is going to hate me forever.

"Listen Aiden, I've made no promises to you. I've never led you to believe this was anything more than my selfish desires. I can't help it if you're in love with me." I let the last syllable drift off and dart my eyes to Spencer once again.

I know Aiden requires my full attention in this moment. After all we've been through he deserves that much. I just can't make myself give in, not even that little bit. Aiden's never going to be happy with me; I'll never let him be with me. I make a decision. This is going to be a bloodbath.

I adopt the coldest, most aloof expression I can muster and prepare to shatter his world. "Here's the deal Aiden. I don't love you, haven't for a long time. I only went to you because she rejected me. You're like an old blanket and I wanted to feel needed. I can't pretend you're the one I want anymore. It sickens me to even kiss you, and if you get a response from me at all it's because I'm thinking of her."

There, I'm done creating enough heartbreak for the night. I leave the club, but only after I've locked eyes with the one person that means anything to me.


	6. Reasons To Love Carmen

**Note: **Thanks for the continued comments and let me know if I'm still on the right track.

Ch. 6 **Reasons To Love Carmen**

Ashley's caused yet another scene and I stupidly get sucked into it when I should have been memorizing the curves of Carmen's face and enjoying the soft lilt to her voice.

Everything about her is so different from Ashley. There's a mystery to her that I just haven't been able to get a lock on.

In spite of always trying to be unpredictable Ashley was always an open book to me. I could always see her emotions painted on her face. Carmen is closed and reserved. She's intoxicating and infuriating. She's magic and mystery, danger and intrigue. Maybe those are the reasons she and I will never work.

Yeah, I already know that I'm going to return to Ashley. Not now though, not on this night. Ashley has run from us from the start and I've run out of the energy to keep pulling her back to me.

So I watch her. Every moment she's near I watch her. I know she doesn't love Aiden, but she is sharing his bed and that does hurt. Most of my past with Ashley hurts. Is it so wrong to make her work for it? Besides, if she doesn't wise up Carmen _is _smoking hot.

Carmen stirs things in me that I didn't even know existed. She's intelligent and real. Most of our conversations consist of feelings and emotions and grief and acceptance. Any time I speak to Ashley these days it's about the current party she's been invited to as part of the "it" crowd. Ashley needs acceptance and devotion. Carmen doesn't. She's

emotionally low maintenance.

So when I turn from Ashley's retreating form and into the warm soft lips of Carmen it is with a content sigh. Her tongue asks for entrance to my mouth and I gladly grant it permission.

I know the heights that Carmen is going to take me to and even though I'm still in love with Ashley I let her. Can't I be selfish for once?

Carmen leads me out of the club by the hand and she stands by her car with an unreadable expression on her face. I feel my stomach do a flip-flop and wonder again how someone so amazing could want to spend time with me.

"You're doing it again." Her voice pulls me out of my inner musings and I raise my eyebrows. Her voice is so sexy and full of unfulfilled lust that all I can do is hold on and enjoy the ride.

"You're putting yourself down in your head again." I must have raised my eyebrows in question because she proceeded to further explain.

"You get this crinkle between your eyebrows when you talk bad about yourself so I figured it was the same for your internal put-downs."

I grab her hand and lean her against the car. I need her embrace right now almost as much as I need air. I look into her eyes and she's answering every question I ever had about her emotions and devotion. I get lost in the abyss that is her touch.

Time stands still as we lean against her car making out. Our lips are kiss-swollen but neither of us seems inclined to stop. I try to deepen our kiss and grab the hem of Carmen's shirt and I feel her extract herself from my embrace.

Her eyes are distant and foreign to me once again. I know she's about to shatter me, I can feel it in the air. Moments like this are not uncommon to me. I'm used to being discarded.

"Spence, would you at least listen to what I have to say before you decide the world is ending." I hear the light chuckle in her voice and hope begins to peek its head out. How can she know what I'm thinking so easily? She's this enigma to me but for her all my thoughts are plucked out of thin air and materialize on her lips.

"How do you do that Carmen? Know what I'm thinking without me even saying anything."

Carmen chuckles again and laces her long, slender fingers through mine. "You're an open book Spencer. If someone took the time to really notice you they would see it too." Carmen had this faraway look in her eyes that struck a familiar chord within me but I couldn't quite place it.

"Spencer, this has been like the most amazing month. As in ever. You're this wonderful, beautiful, sensitive person that I feel myself drawn to. I could love you, so easily, and that's why we need to step back and cool off a bit."

"What do you mean Carmen? Like taking a break?"

Carmen nodded her head yes and gave me a sad little smile. "You still love her Spence. I can't be anyone's second choice, not even yours. Sort out your feelings. I'm there for you either way."

I took a step back from Carmen but she continued her possessive hold on my fingers. I slid my eyes to the ground and then felt her raising my chin to meet her chocolate colored eyes.

"Don't think if you pick her I'm not going to fight for you. She was a fool to let you keep her away. I'm not that foolish, and I'm definitely not that easy to get rid of."

And that is how I was left outside Gray with no ride and no rebound on my arm. In that moment I felt the most honest with myself and knew I needed to have a late-night conversation with the love of my life.


	7. Experimenting

**Note: **Thank you everyone for the wonderful comments. Keep them coming. I have up to Ch. 10 written but I won't post if the ones I have aren't any good.

Ch. 7 **Experimenting**

I returned to the darkened loft in a foul mood. I'm so stupid. At least when Aiden was here I didn't have to sleep alone. Now I have to somehow learn to sleep on my own.

Somehow maybe that's part of my problem. I'm not any good alone. I need to have drama and commotion around me. I'm drawn to the chaos like a moth to a flame.

I sigh and proceed to my empty bedroom. I know Kyla's in her own room because I can hear her quiet breathing through the crack in her door. I turn on my bedside lamp and study my picture of Spencer on my dresser. I trace the outline of her golden hair and see the hidden mirth in her eyes.

"How did I fuck things up so bad?" I ask the empty room, but I already know the answer. I'm emotionally unavailable. Spencer needed me to be honest and vulnerable but every time I began to think of her grief all I could think about was myself and how much work it would be to help her get over the death of her brother. I know none of those things ran through Spencer's mind when there was a need to comfort me, but I've never really cared for anyone before. I wouldn't even know where to start to put someone else's needs in front of mine.

I heard shuffling feet behind me and turned around half-expecting Kyla. What I really saw was the woman of every single one of my dreams. Spencer stood in front of me with her hair pulled back in a loose ponytail and still wearing the tight blue jeans and low-cut purple top I had admired her in at Gray's.

After finishing my silent appraisal I looked in her eyes and saw all the unspoken emotions that have been brewing in her for weeks. I know what she's here for. She wants to unload all her leftovers so she can move on with Carmen.

I'm not going to make it easy for her. I know she still loves me. I know that deep within the core of me. There is no way I'm going to stand by and watch Carmen experience everything that's supposed to be mine.

I haven't fought for her. I've let her set the pace and tell me she's heartbroken. Well, I'm heartbroken too and the only thing that can fix me in being wrapped in her gentle embrace while she places warm, soft kisses on my forehead.

She's been staring at me with this silent question of permission so I nod my head and turn my back on her. I know what will get to her. I do the one thing I know will fill her thoughts and memories of me only. I strip myself of my "going out" clothes and stand before her in my matching lacy black bra and underwear. Her eyes get a shade darker and she licks her lips. This we were always good at. Physical lust was our specialty.

I let her eyes linger for a moment longer and then dress in my black tank top and boxers. If she's here to rake me over the coals I better be comfortable.

I lower myself onto the couch in the middle of my bedroom and wait for the explosion. I swear we've been staring at each other for ten minutes without saying one word. Then Spencer finally breaks the silence.

"You're not going to let me go, are you Ash?" She sits next to me on the couch and her familiar smell fills my nostrils. This is it. This is the moment I become the person I want to be, not the person the world has made me out to be. This is my one chance to be honest with the only person I would die protecting.

I hesitantly go out on a limb. "Never, Spence. Never." I'm amazed at how much conviction is in my voice. I'm proud of myself for sounding stronger than I feel inside. My stomach is doing flip-flops as I get this rare uninhibited look at Spencer. I was always afraid to let everything I felt come out when I stared at her. Now it doesn't matter. I've already lost her, how worse can it get.

"What do you suggest we do about it, Ashley?" God I love her eyes, especially when they're so focused on me. Who cares why they're focused on me. They are nonetheless.

"Well, you can be with me again and there won't be an issue." I know I've said the wrong thing because I can see the disappointment on her face. I don't care. I'm done censoring my emotions.

"Not an option." The disappointment carries over in her voice and instead of controlling my anger I allow it free rein. I've held myself in too long. Spencer is no longer the conductor of our train and I intend to make that perfectly clear before this night is over.

"Why isn't it an option Spence? Was I a monster? Was I so horrible and abusive to you that you can't stand looking at me? I may be insensitive, selfish and emotionally unavailable but I never made you feel unloved." I saw the tears begin to well in her eyes but this was one of those do or die moments. I wanted to comfort her. I needed to wrap my arms around her so bad it was a physical ache, but we needed this night to be about more than soft caresses and whispered words. We needed to leave our bloody past in an airtight box and form a new future.

"No Ash, you made me look like a joke." That did it. That knocked the wind right out of my sails. Of all the things I was prepared to hear that was not one of them.

"Huh?" So articulate, I know.

"I don't know what I was to you Ash, but I was _in love _with you. The all or nothing, would sacrifice myself for you, love. I alienated my family for you. I came out to the world just so I could hold your hand in public. So when I asked you to choose between me and Aiden and you hesitated, I knew. That's when I knew that I was the experiment for you."


	8. Foot In The Door

**Note: **Thank you all for reading and commenting. Hopefully this chapter will make you slightly happier for our sadly separated couple. Let me know what you think, I love comments!

Ch. 8 **A Foot In The Door**

Why did I think coming to Ashley's place was such a good idea? As bad as I wanted to be mad at her there were things she was stirring within me that I had hoped I had suppressed with my hatred of her actions.

I know my declaration has confused her. As closed off and reserved as Carmen is, Ashley's the exact opposite. Ashley's eyes tell you everything you ever wanted to know. For me they say she's about four steps behind and struggling to catch up.

"An experiment? I … don't understand." Ashley's eyebrows come together and I'm reminded of all the times we used to study together and I would try to help her understand what we were working on. I force the fond memories away and focus on purging her from my heart.

"How do you think I felt when you went back to the boy's side of the field the same night you told me you chose me? How did you feel the night I went on a real date with Aiden?" I could see her reliving that night. It meant so much to both of us. For me, choosing to follow my heart. For her I think it meant becoming a part of someone else. Maybe that night is what brought us here to this moment.

"How could you think you were an experiment to me Spencer? I loved … love you. Maybe that's not enough, but it's all I have."

She's good. She knows what to say to get me to pause. Being around Ashley right now is like a giant game of chess. She makes a move and I have to predict the outcome of her next three attempts. Honestly it's a little tiring and I'm beginning to wonder why being with Ashley again is even an option.

"This was a bad idea. I'm going to go." As I turned to leave I felt her soft fingers on my wrist pulling me back into her. She pressed her body into mine and I leaned into her, comforted by her embrace and the scent of her that was surrounding me.

God, I miss her. Even in my heart-broken state she makes me feel so safe. I just wish she were more emotionally available like Carmen. That's when I tensed up and changed our intimate moment into something else. Something wrong and unwanted.

"I have a girlfriend Ash. And she's …"

"Not me?" I know my eyes turned into something akin to contempt because I saw her flinch and actually back down. Ashley Davies was not one to retreat unless she saw no good outcome from the fight.

"I'm going to go." Why is it so hard for me to just walk out? Maybe it's the barely there pajamas that cling to every flattering curve. Maybe it's the way she's actually trying and thinking of something other than fulfilling her own desires.

"Wait Spence! There's so much I want to say and do right that I keep just screwing it all up. I know you have a girlfriend that's everything I'm not. I know there's something still there Spencer. Every time I look at you it's electric. I know you feel it too. So there's got to be some kind of compromise where I have a shot. I just need my foot in the door."

I knew this was where our conversation would go. There was no way I was going to Ashley's loft without an inkling of how it would turn out. She is the love of my life; I would like to think I know how she'll react.

"Okay Ashley. Your foot is in the door. Now what?"


	9. Dating Proposition

Ch. 9 **Dating Proposition**

I stand in silent shock. Did she just say I have a shot? I open my mouth to ask her but nothing comes out but a muffled grunt. I looked into her blue eyes and know what she's said without asking her.

She has the unspoken expectation on her face like I'm supposed to say or do something with this moment. For just a moment I contemplate if it's even worth the work and then I think of the last three months without her and realize I haven't even really been living. I've been this empty shell Ashley going through the motions and forcing the attitude when what I really want to do is fold into her arms and never come out.

So now I say the first thing that pops into my Spencer-filled mind. "So go out with me tonight. On a date. You and me?" I finish the last statement as a question because I'm not so sure my spontaneous sentence combustion was such a good idea. I look up from the ground where my eyes were trained and see the half smirk on her face. It's the one that means I've done something cute and is usually followed by a make-out session. I know the make-out session won't be forthcoming but I'm hoping for something new and improved.

Spencer steps closer to me, within inches of me, and tentatively reaches out for my hand. I release the breath I didn't know I was holding in and gratefully lace my fingers with hers.

"Sure Ash but later tonight. Right now I'm going to go home and get some sleep." Duh! How could I forget it's like two in the morning? I know there are so many things that I need to revise in myself. I resolve to do it differently than before. She's giving me this opportunity to show her who I am and this time I'm not going to waste it.

"Oh yeah! Of course! Hey, how do you get to stay out so late now? I mean your mom …" I don't need to explain to her how evil I think her mom is. It's something she can see just by looking at me.

She gets this smirk on her face that sends a shiver down my spine and heads for the door. For a moment it looks like she's not going to answer me. She turns to me and I hear her melodic voice and wonder what angel is helping me out to give me even a shot at vying for her heart again.

"Well, when you almost die and your brother IS dead, you get a little more leniency. I'll see you tonight Ash." And with that Spencer left and dunked me into the harsh reality of why we were estranged in the first place. I need to figure out how to be there for Spencer, but right now I simply walk to my room and collapse onto my bed into what is hopefully a dreamless sleep.

"So just choose!" I hear shots around me and then my vision is full of red and I see Spencer on the ground ten feet from me, and Aiden's behind me with his arms around my waist. As I watch the life drain from her body I cry out as rough hands shake my shoulders.

"Ashley!" I open my eyes and see my sister's face above me. I take a large gulp of air as the sweat on my forehead begins to dry in the cool air of my bedroom.

"Kyla?" I'm so disoriented and not sure of my surroundings so I call out the one thing I am sure of.

"Yeah Ash. Did you have the dream again?" I must have looked confused because she gave me this dumbfounded expression and reached out to stroke my shoulder.

"Ashley, are you ok?" I simply nod my head and Kyla stands up to leave the room, maybe sensing my need to process the dream that is quickly fading from my memory. For some unknown reason I feel and uncontrollable desire to call Spencer. I look at my bedside clock and know she wouldn't appreciate being woken at six a. m. by a hysterical ex-girlfriend so I do the next best thing and send a text message. After confirming it was actually sent into cyberspace I lay my head back on the pillow and resign myself to trying to get a few more hours sleep before the chaos of my day begins.


	10. Closer To Love

**Note: **Thank you all for reading and commenting. It is about to get less angsty, I promise. More comments please!

Ch. 10 **Closer To Love**

I awake to an annoying beep that I know is not my alarm clock. I look at my bedside table and groan at the early hour. Who would send me a message at six in the morning? My circle of friends is pretty limited and none of them would send a message to me this early unless it was important.

I rub the sleep out of my eyes and reach across my bedside table to retrieve my phone. I flip it open and see Ashley's name displayed on the screen. I know I'm grinning because I felt my heart skip a beat just thinking of her and her nervous confessions not more than four hours ago. I cleared my head of my Ashley musings and opened the text message.

I MISS YOU. CAN'T WAIT TO MAKE YOU SMILE 3.

These are the things that make me remember why I'm in love with Ashley. Hmm, didn't know that was still present tense. I guess I need to talk to Carmen before I go out with Ashley tonight.

I lay back on my pillow to get some more sleep before school but my head kept swimming with all the things I needed to say to Carmen that my body just wouldn't relax. I resigned myself to an early day and crawled out of bed.

By the time I showered my whole house was stirring. I didn't really want to make small talk with my mom so I rushed out of the house with my towel-dried hair and my clothes haphazardly thrown on.

She was waiting for me outside like I had hoped she would be. Her dark hair hung down her back and her bangs slightly breezed across her eyes. How I could manage to attract two utterly breath-taking women was beyond me but I wasn't about to complain.

I walked up to her and placed a soft lingering kiss on her lips. I tried to put all of the hope and uncertainty I was feeling into that kiss. She deserved so much more from me. Carmen deserves someone whole, unshattered. I broke away from her and witnessed the "made for Spencer" smile and felt even guiltier for not divulging all my intentions immediately.

The ride to school was filled with small talk and once again I was grateful for Carmen's intuitive nature. I know she could tell something was bothering me and the fact that she wasn't pressuring me was making me feel even guiltier.

My day at school was thankfully uneventful because I had a mission and wanted to complete it as quickly as possible.

Carmen was waiting for me by her car. She and Chelsea were laughing about something but I really didn't care what it was. Chelsea saw me and waved which caused Carmen to turn around. I wrapped my arms around her in a comforting hug and whispered in her ear where I wanted to go.

The ride was quick and now we stood inside Chelsea's loft and everything I had been dying to say all day wouldn't come.

"Spencer?" She was looking at me with those trusting eyes and I felt my heart constrict. So this is what Ashley had felt like. I cleared my throat and resolved myself the best I could.

"Carmen, I saw Ashley last night." Her face fell and my heart dropped a little more.

"I sense there's more than just seeing your ex-girlfriend. She got to you, didn't she?" All I could do was nod my head and lower my gaze from her saddened eyes.

"Well, let the games begin." My eyes shot up and I studied her face to see some form of mirth in her eyes but all I saw was sincerity.

"I'm not going to give up without a fight Spencer. And until you tell me to stop I'm going to be everywhere she isn't."

And that is how I was left stranded at Chelsea's loft with on hour until my date with Ashley.


	11. Breathing

**Ch. 11 Breathing**

I know I'm annoying Kyla because she has that look on her face, the one she gets when I've pushed the teasing a little too far.

"C'mon Kyla! What does this outfit say to you?" I watch her run her eyes up and down my form and wonder if the short black skirt and gem-studded belt go with the maroon spaghetti strap top I have on.

"Ash, you look great. Spence won't be able to keep her hands off you." I nod my head and glance back in the mirror one more time. All in all I've spent three hours getting ready for my date, and that's just the exterior part. I don't even know how long I spent going over conversations in my head.

The doorbell rings and Kyla goes to answer it while I take one more look at myself in the mirror. Satisfied I can't look any hotter I grab the small black box off my dresser and go in search of our new arrival. I hear muted laughter in the living room so I turn the corner to go find my date and stop dead in my tracks.

My heart flutters in my chest and I can't breath for a minute. I have to take a deep breath to clear my head and then I take in the vision before me while taking small, shallow breaths.

I've loved looking at women for as long as I can remember. There's just something about the female body that heats me up. I've seen many women in various states of undress but Spencer, tonight, is the most breathtaking I've ever seen. Her golden hair is flowing loose around her shoulders, her makeup is natural and minimal but her outfit is what's screaming to me in bright neon letters. I know she chose her attire for me. She would never wear it with anyone else.

Her black skirt hugged her curves in the most appealing ways and if I looked close enough I could see where the separation in her legs began, it was that short. Spencer wore a light blue tank top that was made of a sheer material and I could see her lingerie matched the cornflower blue of her top perfectly.

"Ash, you ok?" I heard Kyla speak, I really did. My head was so filled with lusty Spencer thoughts I don't think I registered anything beyond 'wow, she's hot.' I knew I had to snap out of it so I did the first thing that popped into my head.

I glided across the room as quickly as possible trying not to share my intentions. I gently but forcefully pushed Kyla out of my path and stretched my arms out to Spencer. Before she had time to react I wrapped my arms around her waist and connected my lips with hers. She was uncertain. I felt the hesitance in her kiss and then it went away and all I could do was lose myself in the taste and touch that was uniquely Spencer. My tongue snaked its way into her mouth and we quested for dominance for so long I couldn't even remember what it was like to breathe.

When I pulled back from Spencer I knew that no matter what I said this night was going to go in my favor. She had needed me to make the first leap of faith and behind all the uncertainty in her eyes there was quiet approval and acceptance.

I laced my fingers within hers and led Spencer out of the loft and towards the unforgettable night I had planned.


	12. Heaven

**Ch. 12 Heaven**

I've always known that Ashley was a closet romantic. I just never got to experience that hidden side of her. If I really think about it, I don't think anyone has. Ashley doesn't really have a need for romance when she resides in that body of hers.

God, her body. I know she dressed for me tonight. She's wearing her trademark black leather skirt and my favorite red shirt on her because it shows her midriff and her cleavage all in one glance. The thing that really made my heart constrict was the bracelet on her wrist. The matching one is, at this moment, in my purse because I wasn't sure if I should wear it. In all honesty, I was nervous to wear it.

Ashley's like a rabbit sometimes. If things are calm and lo-key she's fine. Throw some pressure in there and she bolts in two seconds flat. Yes, it's a new beginning attempt for Ashley and I, but I don't require her to remove her flaws, just make them a little less rough around the edges. I decided to accept Ashley for who she was a long time ago, maybe even the moment we met. She's like the super charismatic person and I would rather have her with all her imperfections than not at all.

I felt a soft hand grasp mine and realized I must have been lost in my thoughts because Ashley was trying to lower me onto the blanket. Our picnic location struck a little chord of irony in me and I accidentally chuckled out loud.

"What's so funny?" Ashley's eyebrows were crinkled together in confusion which really only made me laugh louder. I could tell she was getting agitated so I tried to think of unfunny things. After settling myself down I turned to her and couldn't help but feel my heart constrict at the hurt expression on her face.

"You do know Aiden and I cam here the night I decided to be with you, right?" Ashley shook her head no and just like that the romance and magic of the moment was gone. It's weird how quickly Aiden went from one of my closest friends to my biggest rival. I shook the negative thoughts out of my head and cupped Ashley's cheek.

"Spence?" The questions in her voice just have me exhausted. It's so much harder to not love Ashley and stay away from her than to just accept my devotion to her and embrace our love.

I know I'm a different person since Clay's death. I like to think I'm stronger and more secure with who I am. A year ago I needed Ashley to define me. Now I need her just to be whole again. I suck in a breath and prepare for the most important part of our lives to date.

"There's just so much to work through. Trust has to be built again, on both sides. You have to learn if … if we're even the same people we were, if you can fit in each other's lives. It's a long important process, and … can we just skip it? Can … can you just be kissing me now?"

Ashley's eyes registered confusion and then just as quickly understanding and she wrapped her slender fingers in my hair and pulled me roughly towards her. Her lips devoured me whole. I released every desire and hope I had been withholding from her into the kiss. In that beautiful, reconciliatory moment I knew that we would be stronger than before and she was all I needed in this world that had taken so much from me.


End file.
